Video Games Suck - AdventureQuest

A flash based browser game that constantly tries to fleece you for money, has moronic gameplay, terrible graphics, and no redeeming niche values whatsoever. Sign me up!

Also, writing a review for this game is like watching a train full of lemurs crash into a short bus that's packed with sumo wrestling midgets. You know it's wrong, but you just have to do it.

As I'm lacking in any real games whatsoever to currently review (blame it on piracy for making terrible game publishers go out of business, I suppose), I've been forced into the dark, terrible realm of browser-based games to find review material. Those of you who have been exposed to and survived a game like Runescape will have noted that such games tend to be supernaturally shitty, an attribute that no number of karate battles can get rid of.

In Teh Beginningz!

Interesting, AnalQuest's badness doesn't actually wait until you're in the game to begin. In fact, pretty much as soon as you try to sign up to the game, you're hit with a shock of broken english, including a checkbox stating "I agree that I am over 13".

Yes. I agree that I am over 13. Thank you for agreeing with me, internet!

Anyway. After finally logging in (with not exactly much enthuiasm - it's suislide's fault for making shitty reviews for all the REAL games that I have to review this pile of table scraps, afterall), the game felt it important to congratulate me on the choice of my character - a vaguely male-like genetic disaster with a purple afro, green skin, and the name "Bruce Willis Safari Battle Arena Turbo". Thanks again, game!

And so, with Bruce Willis Safari Battle Arena Turbo finally ready to head out into the world, the game began!

Teh hero of teh tale goes forwerd!

Upon entering the world as Bruce Willis Safari Battle Arena Turbo (who will be hereforth referred to as "NAMBLA"), I was immediately confronted by what seemed to be a man made of cardboard - judging off the way he had the strange ability to move about without actually moving his legs.

Cardboard head proceeded to show me around the town (apparently, towns are groups of shops with no residential buildings to speak of. Remember this because it will be helpful for your second time round of fifth grade.). He also took his time to plug the "guardian" features of the world - apparently, for a small fee of "real life" money, one could be elevated to enourmous massive levels of power that a normal being could never hope to achieve! (Yes, I'm poking fun at you, too, Hellgate: London)

While I had become rather close to cardboard in our brief time together, arranging a marriage between man and his piece of tree pulp would have to wait - disaster had struck!

TEH BATTLE OF THAR SCENTRUEIES!!

It seems that a hideous (yes, literally hideous. As in hideously drawn by a bus full of norwegians that were forced at gunpoint to make pictures out of their own waste) monster was attacking the three-shop, one-give-us-money-plug town!

Mindful of the deadly dangers posed by a monster that was apparently born from the mind of a mentally affected midget, Cardboard and I drew up a cunning plan - we would repeatedly strike it in the face until one of us died!

And so we did - I attacked the turd monster. Then I attacked it again. Then I attacked it again. Then I attacked in again. Then I attacked it again. Then I attacked in again. Then I attacked it again. Then I attacked in again. Then I think it died of old age or an undiagnosed brain anneurism.

Cardboard, during this time, mysteriously changed his appearance and developed the ability to move about like myself - with animation. Unfortunately, this was not to last, as he returned to his strangely paralyzed-yet-in-motion state after the fight ended. Most curious!

However, my incompetence was mistaken for heroics by cardboard, and he introduced me to his people - each one of them similarily and curiously able to move around freely despite the lack of manipulatible joints.

Motivated by the apparent faith the people of the world had with me, I set forth into the wilderness. Adventure awaited!

TEH furhar ADVENTURES OF teh clevar MISTAR WILLIS

I would go on to become a great adventurer indeed! I would defeat many an opponent with my fierce tactic of 'clicking the attack button over and over, then occasionally drink a healing potion'.

While I would often think to myself "Hey, isn't this just like Diablo 2 but with horrible graphics, stupid plugs to buy a membership for a game written in macromedia flash, even more repetitive and bland gameplay, more grinding, an even more retarded community, terrible animations, oddly long load times and a complete lack of atmosphere?" on these long journeys, I perservered - A great hero I was destined to become! I was about to reach level 4!

But that is a story for another time!

This game fucking sucks.

NB: I apologise to anyone who had their hopes up that this review would contain a train full of lemurs crashing into a short bus packed with sumo wrestling midgets. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.