Date: Sunday, September 18 @ 08:59:08 EDT
Topic: Racing Game Reviews
While I'd usually write some sort of witty preview, I think it's unneccesary in this case.
THIS GAME FUCKING SUCKS.
THQ has continued it's legacy of god-awful peices of fucking shit with "juiced", a game produced by a bunch of mexican immigrants who're paid 20 cents a day to write code, and if they slow down for too long a period the THQ execs threaten to send them to guatamala.
So to keep it simple....
THIS IS THE WORST RACING GAME EVER MADE.
Graphics: What fucking graphics? This peice of shit is a console port. The hideously low-poly car models make fucking hot rod: garage to glory's models seem ultra-detailed in comparison. The track itself is made up of about 3 polygons every kilometre. The scenery goes for like 5 inches out of the track, and the fucking crowd is made of sprites.
SPRITES! for FUCKS SAKE! When's the last time you saw fucking sprites in a PC racing game? 1993?
Sound: The sound is fucking terrible. Since when the fuck did a 426 hemi '69 charger or a fucking Hennessy Viper Venom TT sound like a fucking peice of shit block 4? Even the fucking 4-blocks in this game sound fucking tinnier than they really are, and that's an achievement considering making those peices of shit sound tinnier would be like giving Alvin from "Alvin and the Chipmunks" a lethal dose of helium.
Gameplay: I have never seen such a shit set of driving physics in my life. FWD cars handle like real-life RWD cars. AWD cars handle like real-life shopping trolleys. And RWD cars handle like the real life TITANIC. This is the only "racing" game I've ever played in which a RWD car going at a low speed on a flat surface can fishtail.
also, somehow, juiced's upgrade system is actually FAR WORSE than even Hot Rod: Garage to Glory's. While in Gayradge to Glory some of the upgrades actually mattered, in Juiced, any AI car is always set to be just as fast as you. So in reality, you're best served by keeping your car as SLOW as possible - this means you might actually be able to survive a fucking turn or two on one of the tracks.
And then there's the AI. The AI in juiced is incredibly perfect - so perfect, in fact, that if you perform a PIT manevour on them (for all you retards, it's where you hit the back wheel of a car with your car and spin it the fuck out), YOU will instead be PIT'ed, and the opponent will not even notice it. Even better, the AI can somehow travel faster than you when you're in top gear and hitting nitrous, and will pick your first pink slip race to show this particular gay bullshit.
So your car handles like a bar of soap in a bubblebath, the AI handle like they're on rails, the upgrade system is flawed, the game looks like shit, sounds like shit, and even smells like shit. What more do I have to say?
Score: DEREK SMART OUT OF TEN.
Special Award: Worst fucking game ever made. EVER.