Soldner
Date: Wednesday, June 02 @ 20:37:16 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews


What the hell is this? OH, i see its another WINNER FROM JOWOOD PRODUCTIONS. GUYS YOU CANT FUCKING CREATE GAMES, JUST STOP. This game hurts like my balls on a frying pan.

Graphics: Ok so the graphics arent too bad, well in some aspects they arent. The character model and the vehicles all look nice, as do the trees. They look like real trees and the guy is pretty well detailed. The vehicles are kind of boxy but dont look to bad at all. The real anal canl shit fiest comes from the enviorments. A fucking empty enviorment, that lacks any sort of people or realism at all. The houses are fucking blocks. OH LOOK WE PUT A BLOCK ON THE MAP WITH STAIRS! HERES THE KICKER, THEY ALL LOOK THE FUCKING SAME! I dont know what else you could say about these bland ass graphics..they just suck. Suck a fatty dick.


Sound: The sound is ok when there is actually some god damn sound in the game. The engine for the god damn vehicles is the same 1 second clip repeated over and over again until you want to fucking vomit. The gun shots are OK and so is the explosion sounds and shit. The only sound that is a fucking cum blob is the sound for when you run over something. I was running into the wall because my vehicle was an amazing piece of shit, i thought i was getting shot at because im hearing stuff bounce off like its ricocheting. WELL IT FUCING TURNS OUT I CRASHED INTO A STONE WALL. AMAZING!


Gameplay: Its a third person game and you can shoot shit and drive vehicles and its supposed to be tatical. Who the fuck cares, the weapons are all the same. There is no introduction, nothing to tell you at all what the fuck you are doing. You just start as a military base and of course no one is around because that would require some actual programming. People who dip their nuts in acid and have a cow suck on them dont fucking know how to program (JoWood). So i started a gay mission ok i can run around duck and go prone and shit big fucking deal. I get in the vehicle because i have to destroy this oil tank, the path there is fucking deserted with nothing to do, just abunch of gay trees (they atleast fall down). I get to the damn tank there is this guy in a vehicle and some guy shooting at me, so i tried the first time and i died because the fuck just ran me over in the car, so i go again and BLAM WHAT THE FUCK, I drove right in the tank it exploded and killed everyone, IT WAS GOOD. SO then i try anothing mission where i have to deliver a vehicle and to start i see this. Amazing A god damn POLE THROUGH MY DAMN TRUCK. THE POLE IS HOLLOW I CAN DRIVE RIGHT THROUGH. WAY TO PROGRAM SOME PHYSICS. FUCK HAVOK I WANT THE PHYSICS WHERE I CAN DRIVE THROUGH SOLID OBJECTS. So on my journey to get the vehicle i noticed the scenery is the same, i also noticed nothing fucking happens on the way. Wow driving my shit truck is fun! 30 Years Later When i finally do get there, i just steal a tank and drive away. BUT MY AMAZING FUCKING TANK CANT RUN OVER A TREE. AGAIN THE PHYSICS TOTALLY BLOW THE CUM OUT OF EYEBALLS. The Ai is totally shit also, i was driving away with the tank and instead of the guys ATTACKING ME USING THEIR WEAPONS, they just drive into me. Doing absolutley no damage, they just fucking drive into me. It was so god awful. Atleast it was SOMEWHAT fun blowing them up.


Story: Story? What? Thats too much work for JoWood Productions. The makers of such winners as Chaser

This game blows 5/10





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